A completely sarcasm free analysis of the F.A. Cup Final

Right, I'm going to apologise in advance. I really am very, very, one hundred percent sorry. I know, I know, I hate football as much as you all as well, but I think it's time that we dealt with it. So, let's get it over with.

So, the thingy, I should give a brief description of what football is. 22 men (or women) go onto a pitch and beat the s-eh? Oh, that's rugby, my apologies. Football is 22 overpaid, slightly thick and sometimes slightly balding people running around after a ball for 90 minutes like a pet dog and after 45 minutes a whistle blows so they can go back to see their owners and have a nap. However, when they get to the ball, they have to use their feet and kick the ball into the other teams net, which causes people watching the event to yell obscenities at their TV or their loved ones and football team.

What a lovely sport.

So, who were the two teams playing Tiddlywinks tonight? These ones:

 This one is "Arsenal" or "The Gunners". I think

 This one is "Aston Villa" or "Tiger Woods" probably.

So, 11 vs 11 with one man running around after them, think of the 22 players as sheep, and the referee as a German Shepard that hands out cards and has a whistle. Even before the match started, Prince William was shaking peoples hand, I think that's what they do before executions. Shake hands with a royal, man with axe comes out. heads roll.

Then all of a sudden this bloke stood up and began to sing the national anthem, every patriot in the whole of the UK had their clothes turned into a United Kingdom flag and had crumpets in one hand and tea in the other, they all stood in unison, yelling at the top of their lungs that God needs to save our Queen.

German Shepard blew the whistle and everyone ran around chasing the ball, then Arsenal scored. Four times actually, Tiger Woods scored zero goals, no slam dunks, absolutely no home runs, zilch on the pin's and didn't even get close to a strike or touchdown. I think they did pretty well to get to the final, I was rooting for them to win, because I didn't give a shit and flipped a coin to find out which team had my full support.

What's the honest point of football anyway? It's the only place where you can see grown men cry because they won an empty, large, silver cup I suppose but that's really it. So yeah, it was boring, in the hour and a half of my life that I wasted I could've watched Shaun of the Dead, or Hot Fuzz, or paint dry. But, experiments are experiments and look what happened.

People will probably use this as an excuse to get a bank holiday I suppose.